Existential Ramblings

Everyone is just pretending to be interesting, right?

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve pretended to care about how good food was at a specific restaurant. Or how many times I’ve said “oh yeah, I gotta check that out” to someone’s recommendation for the best food truck. To be honest, I forget the name of the place the moment the last syllable of the word passes through their lips. Because for the most part, food tastes the same. Sure, there are some places that have better (insert whatever), and there’s a couple of places I’d recommend people try if they’re in a specific area. Actually there’s probably only one place because I’m a creature of habit and trying new and interesting foods isn’t that exciting to me. I know what I like dagnabit! (Thumps cane against the floor, complains about aching bones).

That’s like, a thing now. To act like this place has the best toasted spider legs I’ve EVER had and if you don’t go there at the end of this sentence, are you really living?! I went on this Tinder date once and this guy’s jaw practically dislocated when I told him A) I don’t eat meat and B) I’ve never had green fried tomatoes. He told me he doesn’t believe we should live our lives with any limitations. I told him to jump off a cliff and see how free he feels (I didn’t say that but I wanted to). He then insisted that I order green fried tomatoes, which I did, and I pretended to like because he was staring at me like if I didn’t say they were the next best thing to taking breath, his mom would die. Honestly, they tasted like deep fried boogers but, whatever. He also took me to this breakfast place that he swore by, that he ate at almost religiously. They’re very hip and they serve their food on, I dunno, brown parchment paper or something. Anyway, the waffle was fine, it tasted like all the other waffles I’ve had. He said because I don’t eat meat, I was lacking the true experience of the place. So, I guess I’ll die having never done that and my life meant nothing. (Hey, guy, if you ever read this for some reason, you’re really cool and I hope you don’t take offense. Hugs. Kisses)

Don’t get me wrong, food is delicious or … you know what why am I still pretending?! Food is FINE. It’s, it’s fine! I love Chipotle, and yeah, I also pretend like the worst thing a person can say to me is that they don’t like Chipotle. I’m very dramatic and hyperbolic in that way sometimes. But in reality, it doesn’t matter what restaurant is cool or hip or fun to eat at or serves the best drinks, because you know what happens to that cooooool food? Your body turns it into fuel and then excretes the useless bits as a brown loaf from a hole in the back of you. And if you think about it that way it’s really not that interesting.

Our flesh vessels will soon rot, and our souls will return from whence they came. And when the earth has reused our corpses to heal itself, the best taco you’ve ever had won’t matter. So eat and be merry, annoy people like me with your (most likely fake) obsession with instagrams of kale salads and snapchats of the live concert you went to (which was probably great for you but is just blurs of bodies and noise to your viewers). Believe in something, or don’t, love someone or don’t, sing in the shower or don’t, read books or don’t. Because nothing matters and everything matters and it’s 2 pm and I haven’t eaten yet.



Take A Knee

I’ll just say it.

If you have a problem with football players (or really anyone) taking a knee in protest to the current state of our country, you’re the one with the problem. The idea that you cannot love your country while also critiquing it is absurd. The idea that any serviceman/woman put on a uniform and risked their lives so that people can pay homage to a collection of stars and stripes is absurd. In an ideal world, the logic would track.

When you vow to marry someone and sign a legal, binding contract to join your lives together, do you suddenly agree with everything your spouse does? Do you allow them to act in a way that badly represents you, the couple, because you love them? Not likely. Do you agree with everything your friends say or do? If they act up and embarrass themselves, would you not reprimand them or try to help them improve for the better? Probably. You can love and rebuke simultaneously. Human beings have complex enough thought processes to be able to do this. But it seems as tho people believe that blind patriotism is the only way to show loyalty to a country you love.

A lot of people are choosing not to speak during this time, they don’t want to “get political”. This nonsense that we’re experiencing in this country is past the point of political. There are white nationalist rallies happening in America. Racists have been emboldened, believing that their President supports their ideologies. And he has not given them a reason to believe otherwise. People are dying over racial tensions. THESE THINGS ARE STILL HAPPENING IN AMERICA. When I walk around my neighborhood, I actually have to entertain the thought that someone with a gun would drive by and shoot me because of the color of my skin. That happened. In TWENTY SEVENTEEN.

Sure, racists, as a whole, are frowned upon. Most people would agree that hey, it’s all good we’re all equal. But we can’t just assume those things. We have to correct them at every opportunity.

Maybe we’re all screwed. Maybe North Korea or whoever else hates us is gonna destroy us all next week and none of this would’ve mattered. But while we still live our lives, how we choose to combat the evil around us matters. Pray if you pray, but actions matter. Words you say matter. Don’t be afraid to speak up and “get political” if you hear people say things that are problematic. Don’t trivialize the pain of people of color simply because you don’t see it. I feel like I’ve blogged a million times about racism but I’ll say all of this a million more times. I can’t do a whole lot, I’m not in a place of power, but I can reach out to the people who read this and implore them to consider a perspective outside of their own.

Protesting might seem trivial to you, but it matters. Because what are you living for if you’re not willing to stand behind something that you believe in? I’m a Christian, but a lot of Christians I know stay silent. I’ve heard black pastors say they’re “not on the black bandwagon” and maybe if black people would obey “governing authority they wouldn’t get shot.” I’m sorry, but the God I believe in wouldn’t have me submit to an abusive authority that hurts its poor and seeks to leave them in the dust to make themselves richer.

ANYWAY. I just felt like I needed to say something about everything that’s happening. Maybe you’re living a regular life and not even aware of the divisiveness of our current social climate. Maybe you don’t care. Maybe you think I’m wrong. But … I’m saying my piece.


I’ve Lost Track of My Sanity

There’s. So. Much. 

There’s so much and I don’t know where to start or if I should even start because I’ve said ALL of this already on this blog at some time or another. But if the internet outlives me I don’t want to have never written about this time in history. I want to say as much as there is to say because words matter and you never know who is listening. 

The events of Charlottesville are still shocking. And I guess I’m not shocked, but I’m shocked. I’m shocked in that way where you expected something, but there was a tiny, undetectable hope in you that maybe it wouldn’t happen. It’s sad, so sad that I have this weird urge to laugh. It’s so ignorant to believe that anyone is superior to anyone, especially based on something as trivial as the color of your skin, or the plot of land on which you were born. Humans are really an amazing thing, a marvelous thing. Our potential is so profound. And yet we keep tripping over ourselves over the most inane things. How are we so. stupid?

How have people not figured out the simple formula of equality? I mean, I guess I can’t talk. I continue to consume sugar on a regular basis despite knowing and hearing scientific proof that processed sugar should not cross the human lips. But I’m a bag of flesh and bones, muscles and blood and like the rest of my Earth companions, I glitch.

But I tell you, racism is a glitch that there doesn’t seem to be a fix for. However, for every piece of news I hear about how a lot of white people would like to have “their” country back, I get some good news. Like texts from my friends (shout out to Lindsay) who are aggressively intelligent, compassionate people who are taking on ignorance in their corners. I get that some people are frustrated, it seems that oppressed people have so many demands? (Sarcasm). Like, should I not compliment that black girls hair? Is it okay to wear this hijab despite the fact that I am not muslim or even muslim adjacent? Can I cornrow my hair, or is that considered appropriation? AH! HELP!

Start with this. When you hear or see someone spreading hate, even on a micro level, say something. Research things, talk to those who are willing to teach. Don’t be afraid to mess up as long as you are willing to allow yourself to be corrected. Nobody knows everything. But the best of us put our egos aside to accept that fact, and to grow.

Donald Trump is still President because white privilege is a real thing I don’t care what you think. NO person of color would’ve been allowed to go on like this for this long. Obama wore a tan suit, ate spicy mustard on his hot dog and Republicans were ready to throw him to the wolves. Now? Donald Trump basically endorses white supremacy and they hang their hands saying, “gee golly wow, well that’s not okay.” Then they go about their business of dismantling democracy.

I could go on, and on and on but I won’t. Christians, do better. We have to do better. Because Republicans and people who call themselves followers of Jesus are spreading a message of hate and that’s what we’re associated with. The audacity of any of us to think that we can judge anyone, to think that we know everything, to assume that we’ve got God figured out. WOW. Anyway, like I said I have so many words inside me, but I don’t want to write a novel.

SO. Yeah. Say something. Because this involves all of us. This isn’t just my problem or their problem. It’s all of us. Don’t be silent, because your silence is very, very loud.

Level 28 Unlocked

I think I unlocked a new level of adult today.

First, I voluntarily made cabbage soup because, A) it’s good for me and delicious, and B) it’s cheap groceries and filling. I hated cabbage as a kid, as I’m sure most kids do. And now I’m voluntarily making soup out of it?!

Second, I made a huge mess in the kitchen (I also made creamy black bean taquitos) and cleaned up right after I finished. Two years ago, I did not do this. (It helps that I have a roommate, and I’m the kind of person that respects shared spaces unlike a lot of people...)

Third. I had a few bananas sitting around and I hate eating soft bananas so after I had already cleaned up my initial huge mess, I decided I would make banana bread. My aforementioned roommate is vegan, so I thought, I’ll make it vegan so she can have some too if she’d like. And I had all the necessary ingredients and kitchen tools to make this banana bread, including a loaf pan. 

I don’t know who I’ve become, but I’m mesmerized by the process of maturity. It doesn’t hit everyone, (i.e., our current man-child president). But if you had the right ingredients in you, it just kind of slowly comes together. I’m only 28, so I have a whole lot more stuff to learn, more experiences to go through (marriage maybe, kids maybe, first time I slap someone in the face), but it’s really weird to look back on who I was in elementary school, high school, college and now.

I mean, I am cooking and mildly enjoying it! That’s crazy to me. My dad used to have to force me to even watch him cook. Here’s hoping I get better and not worse!

Anyway, just a random update on how I’m progressing as a conscious fleshbag. Have you ever thought about that? How insane conciousness is? How what we’re made of becomes sentient and we can have memories, feel pain, inflict pain, the range of our emotional capabilities?

That was a hard left. Have a nice day!

A Short, Mid-Week Rant

OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT? I’ve had enough.

Here’s the narrative.

Live life to the fullest! Do what makes you happy! Eat, drink and be merry! Embrace all that life has to offer!

But it seems to me that even when you’re doing exactly that, people have something to say about the right way to live at your most happy.

“What?! You don’t eat meat? Why are you even alive? Why don’t you just jump off a roof now? What kind of shriveled soul doesn’t find pleasure in feasting on the carcasses of once-upon-a-living creatures?”

“WHAT?! You don’t watch Game of House of Tables?! Do you even love yourself?!”

“You haven’t been to THE CAVE OF WONDERS?! Here, just, jab out your eyes now because nothing you see from here on out matters you dreary peasant.”

I know people mean well, I know they want to spread the love because when you’re excited about something you want everyone else to be excited about it. But honestly guys, we all need to relax. At some point, we should actually live and let live. Making people feel like they’re stupid or boring or spoonfuls of unseasoned potato salad because they’re not living the lives that we think are most interesting? Stop doing that. Be the fascinating individual that you are, live in your space. And if someone is seeking your particular brand of adventure, they’ll come knockin.

And honestly, if I hear one more person’s jaw grind against the floor because I tell them I don’t eat meat, I will actually lose it.

Okay. Night! Day! Bye!

Crawling To Pay Day

There comes a time at the end of every paycheck when I start to wonder … ‘What’s it all for?’

How can America sustain itself on its current way of life? Borrowing to pay back to borrow to pay back to borrow?

For example : I just used my credit card to purchase an ink cartridge for my printer (which I rarely use) so I could print out a form to mail to the IRS to say that I am too poor to pay a fee for an installment payment plan I signed up for because I’m too poor to pay back the taxes I owe all at once.

Why? This capitalistic society only benefits a small group of people, and yet the wheel keeps turning, crushing the poor under it’s weight. I’m blessed enough to have a job that helps me pay for my bare necessities, but not much else. I owe, and owe, and owe some more. To what end? At the rate I’m paying back my student loans, I’ll be debt free just as my sad and hollow bones lay on my death bed and my raisin lungs take their final breath.

I know this is something that everyone deals with. Even people are I perceive to be wealthy are just making it enough to maintain. We’re all one disease or lay-off from selling all our stuff and taking up prime overpass real estate. At least I have parents I can count on if everything folds for me (right.. guys..?).

Alright, that’s enough of these sad musings. I just need payday to get here so I don’t quite feel like I’m drowning. Post pay day is always the best because you give everyone what you owe them, and then you treat yourself to a convenience store ice cream sandwich to celebrate another week you staved off homelessness.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Kendall Jenner Don’t Drink No Pepsi


I want to throw my thoughts into the penny fountain regarding this whole Kendall Jenner Pepsi thing.

I’ve seen a lot of the ‘why they mad it’s an ad ya’ll need to relax it’s not that serious there are children dying in (insert country here) but ya’ll mad about Pepsi.’

People don’t seem to understand, or don’t seem to want to understand how much media drives a narrative. Those pictures we see from Syria and other war torn countries, those videos of people bleeding and dying in the streets? That’s media telling us their story. We’re not there, we don’t know, and so we are being told. If the only news or images or commercials we saw coming out of Syria was kids playing jump rope and handing law enforcement beverages, we would assume all is chill in Syria.

So when a big corporation like Pepsi puts out an ad with a popular model handing a white cop a beverage with a winning smile, having a good chuckle at a protest, that’s telling a story. A story that just isn’t true. Because for the most part, people aren’t having chuckles at protests. They’re there because they’re angry and they are trying to make change happen.

And yes, we know, not at all cops are racists murderers. But, right now, the truth is that many white cops have gotten away with murdering black men. And people seem to keep wanting to give cops the benefit of the doubt, instead of addressing the corruption and demanding change. So when a big corporation puts out a message basically saying ‘Ay come on, cops ain’t that bad, give ’em a drink, you’ll see’ then that becomes the narrative. And sure, it’s just Pepsi today. But if we go back to the media telling us what the truth is, we collectively start to ignore reality. Someone who doesn’t experience police violence, who lives in a suburb full of smiles, they see that commercial, they see the news, they see whatever narrative the media is spreading and that’s the reality being projected.

If we let one thing slip through, one company continue to use their money and power to promote their own agenda, we take steps back. And does anybody really think that Pepsi cares about protests or BLM or women’s rights or anything that people are currently speaking out against? Naw. They like that Kardashian money. They know Kendall is popular with their target audience who consumes their carbonated sugar poison. So, they tried to cash in on the current state of unrest in this country, while also trying to cash in on the popularity of a TV personality. They threw in some people of color, some happy music, a few laughs, and shoved it down our collective throats thinking we’d just take it because it’s got pretty people and soda in it. WELP. Jokes on you Pepsi because people are awake, and they’re not. happy.

AND ANOTHER THING. Let people be mad at what they want to be mad at! I, personally, did not feel the same level of internet rage as many did, but I got where they were coming from. People can be upset with any number of things covering a vast array of topics. That’s the MAGIC of the human brain! Just because you think something is trivial and dumb doesn’t give you the right to call someone stupid for being upset with it. Your anger at violence against children doesn’t make you a deeper or better person than someone who is upset with the lack of diversity in fashion. You don’t have to care about the same things to show support to another human being. Or, just don’t say anything. Nobody cares that you don’t care. This is not your conversation, so move along and find one you do care about.

You know what that’s like? When there’s a sports game on, and someone in the room doesn’t understand or watch sports. And all they say is sarcastic remarks about how much they don’t watch sports, or make purposefully false statements about what is happening. (i.e., ‘Touchdown!” when they know full well it’s a soccer game). I used to be that person, and now I find those people ridiculous. Like, we get it you read books and listen to NPR and you are so ABOVE something as trite as sports. Go to another room. It’s okay that this is not your thing.

Anyway. Those are my thoughts. I’m 28 now guys, so I’m very mature, I’m very adult. I even owe the government money for the first time in my life so, you know, watch out. I’m very serious now.

Note: While I do defend the rage machine that is the internet in this instance, I also believe we should take a step back from it occasionally and enjoy a moment of gratefulness, calm and joy.