Some Nice Words About ‘Merica

On this, America’s _ _ _th birthday, I want to take this time to appreciate this confusing, wonderful, ridiculous country that I call home.

In 1977, two childhood friends from New York had a dream to bring eternal happiness to the world. On May 5, 1978 with an investment of $12,000, Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield opened an ice cream parlor in Burlington, Vermont.

Since that day in 1978, Ben & Jerry have been putting smiles on the faces of the obese, the thin, the “big-boned” and the I’ll-start-tomorrow dieters everywhere. Thank you friends for making America the greatest country in all the land.

1997 was a regular year for most Americans. But what we didn’t know, while we slept, worked, and yelled at our children, was that in Scotts Valley, California, our futures as binging couch potatoes was being determined. Marc Randolph and Reed Hastings were about to change our lives, and all because Hastings was “forced to pay $40 in overdue fines after returning Apollo 13 well past its due date.” And through the frustrations over outrageous fines, Netflix was born.

Thank you boys for changing the way we consume media and making us all crazy, impatient consumers with droopy goo for brains.

Steve Ells observed. He studied, he curated. And then in 1993 he moved to Denver, Colorado and opened what is the greatest source of joy for me, personally, and for I’m sure many other Americans. The first Chipotle opened in what used to be an ice cream store (greatness births greatness) near the University of Denver. Ells opened his second store within 2 years.

I wish I could’ve mentioned something I love invented by women, but right now all the things I love the most were founded by men. For that, I apologize. Women, step it up. (Sarcasm, please don’t kill me.)

Happy Birthday America. Thanks for making me fat, lazy, and happy.

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