My Open Letter To Apple

It cost the souls of 12,000 baby Llamas, but for the time being, my vehicle has been restored to working order. I say “for the time being” because I know for a fact there is another repair just waiting for me to have zero dollars so it can reveal itself. But at least for now I don’t have to walk to work and arrive swimming in a pool of my own sweat. And of course, easier access to Chipotle, which is really the only reason one needs a vehicle.

To celebrate this win and my return to feeling like an adult, I purchased about 8 dollars worth of Izze’s. Because when you hemorrhage money at the mechanic’s the next wise thing to do is open your wallet, shake out the dust bunnies and use those dust bunnies to buy your favorite beverage.

My laptop charger has decided that it has reached the age of retirement, perfect timing really. You know, you know what, I’m just as good a person as Taylor Swift. If she can “stand up to Apple” and get praised for it, then here’s my stance against Apple.

An open letter to Apple,

To the spirit of Steve Jobs (and whoever else it may concern),

Stop this. Stop this now before more lives are ruined. I know you make your chargers cheap so we are forced to purchase them on an almost yearly basis. It probably costs 80 cents to make them, and yet you make us, your loyal customers, pay $80. I once tried to buy a cheaper, off brand MacBook charger and almost got third degree burns when I touched it. It lasted all of a week before I had to cough up the $80 bucks for a new one.

What would Harriet Tubman do? UH? What would she do? She has nothing to do with this, but invoking the spirit of someone who left their mark on history is a pretty good way to prove that you know what you’re talking about even if that person isn’t related to the topic at hand. Anyway.

Tim, listen. I understand that your business model works. But there has to be a better way. Your computers are reliable, wonderful machines. But your accessories are literal piles of garbage and I don’t understand why you are punishing us.

I don’t have any music to withhold from you to compel you to change your ways. I don’t have anything of value, actually. All I have is the poor mans plea. We don’t ask for free iPhones. Just better things to charge them with.


Not Taylor Swift


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