Today I walked to the health food store near my house to purchase some Vegenaise, the more delicious, hippie cousin of Mayo. On my way back I stopped at a Mattress Firm, thinking I could peak in and browse, get an idea of how much mattresses cost. That was a mistake, but I realized this before it was too late to back out. Almost as soon as I walked into the store, I was accosted by this strange man named Dan. (Dan, if you ever read this, this is not a personal attack on you. As strange as you were, you were just doing your job.) Dan had an exuberance about selling mattresses that I’ve not seen in anyone doing anything. He spoke about the mattresses in the possessive, as if he had made them personally and shipped them in from his castle on the land of No Personal Space.
Before I knew what was happening, Dan had me sitting at a computer preparing to do a credit check to see what my financing options were for my mattress. Luckily I needed ID to complete the process, and I hadn’t brought any ID with me. I thought that would be the end of that, but Dan had other plans. I should also mention that when I walked in, Dan began his sales assault by asking me what music I was listening to. Sneaky Dan, finding an in with me and also a way for me to have to remove my earbuds and converse with him. Well played Dan.
Anyway, since I couldn’t evaluate my financing options, Dan decided to show me some of “his mattresses.” He spoke as if all I really needed to do was tell him which one I wanted and the mattress would appear in my apartment in the same instant. So he broke down the categories of the mattresses, from firm to plush, the memory foam options or the traditional spring. He even invited me to “kick my feet up” and “take a nap” on some of them to really get a good feel for it. I politely told Dan i would not be doing that. Dan also attempted several jokes, but he really enjoyed he ones where he basically implied he never left the store.
I finally just told Dan I had to leave but that I’d be back maybe I don’t know we’ll see. I’m really thankful Dan wasn’t selling chocolate or kittens because I can guarantee with 100% certainty that I would have a kitten (or a bar of chocolate) right now.