Dear Miss Pop Singer

I was gonna go work out (I still am eventually), but then I came across the song “Dear Future Husband” from the lady who is all about that bass. Have you heard this song? It’s very confusing. I think it’s an attempt at feminism or something, but it’s kind of all over the place at the same time. Also, why do people act as if marrying them is some sort of prize? Like, if you want to win me over here are a list of things you better do or you’re gonna miss out. What, do I get superpowers out of this deal?

Here are some of the lyrics I don’t quite get.

Take me on a date / I deserve it, babe 

What did you do to deserve it? You’re not a mother, not from what I know about you. Does he not work? Does he not deserve a chocolate fountain?

Cause if you’ll treat me right / I’ll be the perfect wife / Buying groceries / Buy-buying what you need

I know music isn’t supposed to be the perfect summary of life. It’s just a snippet. So maybe she’s right, the perfect wife buys groceries and cleaning supplies and 2 ply toilet paper. But then in the next verse she says …

You got that 9 to 5 / But baby so do I / So don’t be thinking I’ll be home and baking apple pies / I never learned to cook / But I can write a hook … 

Why are you buying the groceries, perfect wife, if you can’t cook?! Are apple pies the only thing you think husbands eat? And if you both work 9 to 5, why would he expect you to be at home making apple pies? And why would you be eating apple pies at 5 in the evening? Don’t know you know what a balanced meal looks like?!

The rest of the song are all the basic cliches.

1. Women are always right so don’t argue with them, just apologize.

2. Open my door, right now. 

3. Give me jewelry, else you don’t love me.

4. Even if I’m being completely irrational and unpleasant, treat me like a lady because I deserve it  simply for being a female. 

She never really mentions in the song what she’s offering, besides writing a killer hook (which always comes in handy in any meaningful relationship, like, say, if you’re life is a musical) and of course, buying groceries.

I know, I know, this is just a silly pop song. It’s not a speech to the UN. Yeah, okay, but there are 12 year olds singing along to this song and the concepts are being etched into their little brains. The truth is that being a girl doesn’t automatically mean you deserve respect. Being a decent person does. If you want to be treated with respect, then give it and let it be returned to you. If it isn’t, well that’s a whole different problem. And everyone is entitled to a break down every now and then, but don’t expect someone who claims to love you to not call you out on your crap. You should give more than you take.

Stop lying to the children Meghan. 

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