Genetically Modified Snails

“Burning Question: Should we feel sorry for Ryan Reynolds for having two flops in a single weekend or should we be asking why he’s still getting lead movie roles?” Thank you astute entertainment journalists of Yahoo! for that thought provoking prompt.

To you I say:

1. Ryan Reynolds is a handsome millionaire. So no, I don’t feel sorry for him. His next 20 movies could flop and I still wouldn’t because the fact is he got paid to be in a terrible movie.

2. I wouldn’t pay 10 cents to see ‘Turbo.’ I wouldn’t pay with a penny I found on the sidewalk to see that movie. Because it is about a snail that suddenly, by some scientific or biochemical miracle, possesses the ability to go really fast. Which has apparently always been his dream. Which is a really great message for kids. “Hey guys,” this movie says, “even if your dream is something that is, quite literally, impossible, it will come true if you talk about it enough and tap your shiny red shoes together three times.”

I mean, can you imagine living in a world of genetically modified snails? That wasn’t even a fear I considered having until I saw the trailer for this movie. Snazzy snails voiced by Samuel L. Jackson could saunter up to me right now and I’d pour a bucket of salt on them because I don’t care how you animate it, snails are gross. 

But I digress.

I wish Ryan and his handsome face all the happiness in the world because everyone deserves some degree of joy. Other than that, unless Mr. Reynolds starts giving me 10 percent of his earnings, I don’t really care what he does with his time. Unless he’s financing the creation of turbo snails, because in that case, please stop.

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