Animals Deserve Our Respect (Stop Rolling Your Eyes)

I’m trying not to think of people who do things I disagree with as monsters. That’s easy to do, and it’s what our society does to anyone who does anything wrong. However that is a very hard thing to do. For example, what kind of person (read: monster) flies to another country just to “hunt” an animal? And pays $50,000 to do so? He could’ve taken that money and probably fed thousand of families in the very country he flew to to hunt, decapitate and skin a lion. I know most people are outraged because this was a famous lion, but it doesn’t matter if this lion was Mufasa or one of the Lion King extras. It’s a living creature, and it didn’t deserve that. No animal does.

YEAH I KNOW. Meat is delicious and hunting for sport is a riotous good time and they’re just animals and we have dominion over them chicken nuggets ha. ha. ha. Look, just like the plan was never for us to die, animals were also never meant to die. Unfortunately they do, that’s just how it goes. But why do people hunt for sport? That seems so cruel and so unfair and so unnecessary. If you’re stranded in the woods and you’ve gotta take down a squirrel or a warthog or something to survive, hey do what you gotta do. We don’t live in a perfect world. Cows and chickens aren’t even seen as actual animals anymore. They’re just our dinner that hasn’t been seasoned yet.

I know people scoff/make fun of people who care about animal rights. And people like to act as if some care more about the rights/lives of animals than they do people. I hear that all the time. “HAHA those crazy animal rights activists they would watch a baby get stomped on but don’t you dare kick a cat.” Because it’s so completely irrational to care about more than one thing.

Maybe I’m a hypocrite. I killed a mouse the other day (not with my bare hands or anything). I could’ve got a humane trap but I wussed out and got the other kind. I feel really bad (judge me if you want but I do!) and I hope (okay I don’t hope) that if another mouse sneaks into my castle I will do the right thing (or what I’ve decided is the right thing).

Anyway, all I’m saying is that the lives of animals matter. They’re not just dumb fleshbags that are taking up our space. God took 5 other days out of His week to create them. And yeah, people are going to keep eating their meat and hooking their fish and there isn’t anything I can do about that. But the least we could do is have a little more respect for these creatures we share this crazy planet with. We’re not their dark overlords. They’re supposed to be our companions.

The end. G’day.

I Expect This Open Letter To Be On Good Morning America Tomorrow

Dear Corporate Monsters of Walmart,

I frequent your stores with startlingly regularity. I don’t want to, but you have everything I need at 2 am. Just today I spent ten minutes deciding whether to buy the last humane mouse trap, or the guilt free ones (the ones where the mouse goes in and you never have to see their dead bodies? Good for people like me who don’t like animal cruelty but are also very afraid to carry a trap with a live mouse in it and set it free in the woods somewhere, where it will no doubt find it’s way back into someone else’s home. But I digress.) Anyway, you are America Walmart. We hate you, but you are America. Why is it that you have 500 cashier lanes but at any given time, there will only be 2 open? And 20 people per line eyeing each other or vocalizing their frustration at the lack of cashiers? Aren’t your CEO bajillionaires? You can’t hire 4 more people per store to keep at least 4 or 5 lanes open? The Walmart in this part of Ohio doesn’t even have self-check out? What are we, barbarians? Being forced to converse with cashiers who have to pretend they care whether we have a good day or not? Let me tell you, the flippancy with which I hear “Have a good day” from Walmart cashiers? They may as well be putting anti-freeze in my dinner while they say it. I have never in all of my 26 years encountered a person happy to be working at Walmart. And I’ve been to a lot of Walmarts. But I have seen your farce commercials with people acting as though working at Walmart has been their life long dream. I’m sure there are people who work these jobs who are able to have a good attitude about it because that’s the kind of people they are, but I really doubt anybody straps on those blue vests and thinks, “This is where I was meant to be.”

Anyway, just, open more lanes. Jeez.


A Person who wishes she had the fortitude to shop elsewhere.


Vacation Prep With Heidi Klum in Whole Foods

In preparation for my upcoming vacation (more later on my childish enthusiasm for paid vacation) I’ve decided to go on a bit of a diet. I know what you’re thinking. “But Janelle, diets are stupid. It’s all about a lifestyle change high raw vegan Whole Foods Peta.” Yeah, well guess what. I feel like going on a diet. OKAY?! I’m not going to look like Heidi Klum (for many reasons but especially because she’s white and 100 feet tall) but I want to feel healthier and less pudgy when I grace the streets of California.

I also know what you’re thinking. “Janelle, you’ve only had a full time job for 5 months. Do you really need a vacation you whiny millennial who doesn’t understand the real world because Twitter smartphones the Facebook.” I understand your loud, passionate protests that a 26 year old who is still a babe to workplace stress would dare to think she deserves to take a paid vacation. Well guess what? I dunno. But ohmigah isn’t it so cool that I’m being paid to take a break from work?! I mean, that is such a foreign concept to me. Not taking a break from work, but being paid to do it. That is so cool. I know I’ll eventually become a jaded 40 year old who talks about how short my vacation felt and gives my boss the finger behind his/her back, but for now, yippee! Paid vacation! I love being an adult! (Don’t quote me on that, I’ll probably change my mind after these next two weeks of overtime.)

Anyway, did I mention I bought a couch? I’ve basically told everyone I ever communicate with and I appreciate all of you who pretended to care. You guys are the best. I got it fairly cheap from Value City Furniture (the back of the store where they keep all the discount, orphaned furniture). The guy who was apparently designated to be my sales person kept walking with me around the store and it made me really uncomfortable. He was really nice, earnest, told me about the best pizza joints in the area (HAHA, good pizza in Ohio, that’s hilarious). But I never know what to do with sales people. Part of me just wants to yell, “Do you work on commission or something?! Please, I need my introvert bubble.” But he was so nice, so instead I did that weird thing I do when I’m uncomfortable where I shift between intense eye contact and staring off at nothing.

Anyway, it was between this (a grey, leather couch) and another leather couch that was very red. I almost went with the red one, being that 2015 has been a year of just do it for me, but I decided while it’s good to step out of your comfort zone, the color red makes me anxious. And I don’t want to be anxious while I sit on the couch binging through Friday Night Lights for the fourth time.

So now I’ve got a couch, a coffee table (which currently doubles as a TV stand and working out nicely thank you very much) a bookcase, dining table and a bed. Now I just need to fill this place with random junk so it can really feel like home.

Sorry this is so long, but one more thing. I’ve been doing this workout challenge and I am sore in every place a muscle exists. I thought I’d built up some leg strength riding my bike so much. Not the case.


‘And Then A Third Guy Walks in and Starts Punching Me in the Grief Bone’

Remember when you were a kid and you made these grand plans for your afternoon with your friend? And then your parents swooped in to remind you that you are not, in fact, the master of your fate or the captain of your soul? Or when you were getting ready to eat something that looked delicious, but upon taste bud to product contact you were tremendously disappointed? Oh! Or when you’re just about the leave your last class before the weekend and your teacher springs a big home work assignment on you?

Bottle up all those feelings of disappointment, add a dash of grief, and that’s how I feel every time “See You Again” comes on the radio. Those simple, yet beautiful first piano notes to open the song, the soothing tone of Charlie Puth’s voice. I am constantly lulled into a false sense of security, like the calm before the storm. Like that last tick before the roller coaster drops off. I know what’s coming. Wiz. If Chad Michael Murray’s dead eyes could talk, they would sound like Wiz Khalifa when he raps in that song. He sounds like someone chloroformed him, dragged him to a recording studio, he came to in front of the mic and his kidnapper just said, “read the words in front of you” but he didn’t have enough time to completely come out of his drug induced haze.

I don’t know the affects smoking ones body weight in weed every three seconds has on a person, but clearly Wiz has tested the limits of the plant. Paul Walker deserves better.

Anyway, on to better news, I have 48 hours of freedom and next week my couch arrives so life is beautiful.


Cat Lady Starter Kit

Many things, many things.

First, and probably not most important but it just happened so it’s the freshest memory. I bought a coffee table! I know this is the most unexciting thing, but I’m pretty happy about it. These are things you never think about growing up, as there were always just tables every where, multi-purpose tables that didn’t have a name but you put your junk on it. I’m using my “coffee” table as a TV stand because I don’t see the purpose in buying a coffee table and an “entertainment center” for my little apartment. I have one TV and a $15 DVD player. That’s not cause for a “center.” I also bought a bookcase so now my books and DVD collection have a home. I bought the coffee table at Goodwill after staring at it for ten minutes, leaving the store, purchasing a tape measurer (among other things) and then returning to Goodwill. I decided, if it fits in the back of my car, I’ll buy it. And it did, so I did! $17, it’s the color I wanted and very minimalistic. A few scratches on it but I’m not rich enough to be picky about that sort of thing. Second hand, all the way! (Except for my mattress, had to get that new. Germs and what not.)

Today at Chipotle this very nice old man got very close to my face to ask if I knew a place he could buy sandwiches. He was from out of town. I told him there were some other places he could probably go, but I wasn’t sure about sandwiches. He decided he’d at least try out a burrito. He adorably gave instructions to the Chipotle people on his burrito assembly and then when he checked out he nudged me (with an impressive amount of force) and said thank you. I enjoyed that encounter.

Yesterday at work, the power went out for an hour or so, so we were sitting around talking while our bosses came up with a plan B, since we couldn’t just not put 20 something newspapers together. Eventually the lights came back on so we ditched plan B and got to work. As a thanks for our… sitting? one of the bosses brought in like, 20 boxes of Little Caesar’s pizza. And I thought, this is the broken America. I appreciated the option of free food, really, but we didn’t… do anything? I was snacking on Cheez-its while I sat in my desk chair, chatting it up and waiting for the lights to come on. And you’re now rewarding me for sitting and snacking with more food? Yikes.

Also, I bought these mangoes from Kroger as big as my face and they are speechlessly delicious.

Oh! And I bought two plants and these really cool pots for them, along with a bag of potting soil. Next I’m going to buy some doilies, knitting stuff, fifteen cats and call it a day.

HASHTAG catladystarterkit.

I really did buy plants and soil though.

When Will I Feel Like A Grownup? And Other Such Things

I don’t usually like to express my opinions on controversial issues through any social media platform. For many reasons (actually not that many), but mostly because the internet is the worst forum for debate. Nobody’s stance on a hot topic has ever been changed through a Facebook comment or tweet. If it has, you weren’t that serious about it in the first place. The most that will happen is a “hmmm, I hadn’t thought about it that way,” but your mind isn’t changed. It takes research, time and thought.

AHEM That being said, I thought I’d at least address the elephant in the Adventist room. The big women’s ordination vote goes down today, and while my cynical self says nothing will change, the tiny free bird that flutters in my chest hopes for progress. Ooooooh, progress is a scary word for us Adventists, isn’t it? Progress is a synonym for sin, at least that’s the vibe I get from some of us. Anyway, I have yet to hear an argument against WO that makes sense to me. I do not believe that God will take away the special gold star He has supposedly given us if we allow women the technicality of ordination. There are already female pastor’s who have been in this game for a long time, so a yes or no vote won’t change what they are. I had a female pastor in high school (shout out to K Martin, who was so cool she didn’t hate me for spilling hot chocolate on her sofa!). She was an incredibly dedicated, awesome pastor and no vote is going to change that.

I have a lot to say on this topic, but again, I’d rather it be a conversation than a manifesto. So on to a new topic which is…

When, exactly, am I going to feel like an adult? Because I still don’t. I’m closer to 30 than I am to 20, but I still feel like a teenager sometimes. I even went to set up a new bank account today and felt like, shouldn’t my parents be here supervising this? I have no idea what I’m doing. What’s a CD? Whose IRA? I have health insurance! I just got paperwork about setting up a retirement plan! But I still don’t make my bed, I almost never wash my dishes right after I use them, and there are whole days where, besides going to work, I won’t do anything. When I was a teenager I would think, wow, when I’m 26, I’m gonna have it all together. If my parents make me mad, I’ll just tell them off because I’ll be an adult. Yeah, no. When my parents make me mad I still smile politely, tell them I love them, then fume about it with my siblings.

Is there a mountain I have to climb to activate the adult switch? Is there a point where I’ll go to church and not scoff at the idea of going to the adult sabbath school class? When do I start hosting dinner parties and wearing fancy dresses? Will I hate that stuff when I start doing it?

Whatever. I’m going to Chipotle.

Some Nice Words About ‘Merica

On this, America’s _ _ _th birthday, I want to take this time to appreciate this confusing, wonderful, ridiculous country that I call home.

In 1977, two childhood friends from New York had a dream to bring eternal happiness to the world. On May 5, 1978 with an investment of $12,000, Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield opened an ice cream parlor in Burlington, Vermont.

Since that day in 1978, Ben & Jerry have been putting smiles on the faces of the obese, the thin, the “big-boned” and the I’ll-start-tomorrow dieters everywhere. Thank you friends for making America the greatest country in all the land.

1997 was a regular year for most Americans. But what we didn’t know, while we slept, worked, and yelled at our children, was that in Scotts Valley, California, our futures as binging couch potatoes was being determined. Marc Randolph and Reed Hastings were about to change our lives, and all because Hastings was “forced to pay $40 in overdue fines after returning Apollo 13 well past its due date.” And through the frustrations over outrageous fines, Netflix was born.

Thank you boys for changing the way we consume media and making us all crazy, impatient consumers with droopy goo for brains.

Steve Ells observed. He studied, he curated. And then in 1993 he moved to Denver, Colorado and opened what is the greatest source of joy for me, personally, and for I’m sure many other Americans. The first Chipotle opened in what used to be an ice cream store (greatness births greatness) near the University of Denver. Ells opened his second store within 2 years.

I wish I could’ve mentioned something I love invented by women, but right now all the things I love the most were founded by men. For that, I apologize. Women, step it up. (Sarcasm, please don’t kill me.)

Happy Birthday America. Thanks for making me fat, lazy, and happy.