Some Nice Words About ‘Merica

On this, America’s _ _ _th birthday, I want to take this time to appreciate this confusing, wonderful, ridiculous country that I call home.

In 1977, two childhood friends from New York had a dream to bring eternal happiness to the world. On May 5, 1978 with an investment of $12,000, Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield opened an ice cream parlor in Burlington, Vermont.

Since that day in 1978, Ben & Jerry have been putting smiles on the faces of the obese, the thin, the “big-boned” and the I’ll-start-tomorrow dieters everywhere. Thank you friends for making America the greatest country in all the land.

1997 was a regular year for most Americans. But what we didn’t know, while we slept, worked, and yelled at our children, was that in Scotts Valley, California, our futures as binging couch potatoes was being determined. Marc Randolph and Reed Hastings were about to change our lives, and all because Hastings was “forced to pay $40 in overdue fines after returning Apollo 13 well past its due date.” And through the frustrations over outrageous fines, Netflix was born.

Thank you boys for changing the way we consume media and making us all crazy, impatient consumers with droopy goo for brains.

Steve Ells observed. He studied, he curated. And then in 1993 he moved to Denver, Colorado and opened what is the greatest source of joy for me, personally, and for I’m sure many other Americans. The first Chipotle opened in what used to be an ice cream store (greatness births greatness) near the University of Denver. Ells opened his second store within 2 years.

I wish I could’ve mentioned something I love invented by women, but right now all the things I love the most were founded by men. For that, I apologize. Women, step it up. (Sarcasm, please don’t kill me.)

Happy Birthday America. Thanks for making me fat, lazy, and happy.

Our Deepest Fear…

Sometimes the Lord let’s us suffer so we can learn our lessons. Like when you were a kid and your parents let you rest your cheek on a hot stove? That way you know the excruciating pain that can be caused from touching something hot, and you can have battle scars to tell your social worker… uh, I mean friends, about. Because sometimes we don’t learn through lip service. Sometimes we have to experience the pain multiple times before we learn our dang lesson.

In this instance, the Lord will not take away my suffering because I need to learn. I must learn that Taco Bell is waging a chemical warfare against the American public, or at very least, my digestive track. I know this because every time I eat Taco Bell I call a funeral home and write goodbye letters. We all make mistakes, but God told me next time it will cost me my life. (Hyperbole.)

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against processed foods and mystery beans.

Fourscore and some odd years ago, an American decided to make a mockery of Mexican cuisine and started Diarrhea Palace. He later changed the name to Taco Bell, as he did not want his customers to know their fate.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we will be lured by the siren’s call of fast food, and that our next time at a drive thru will be our last.

G’day.

A Little Bit About Yesterday

Yesterday was a historic day. It’s been a long time coming, and I never expected it to happen when it did. You know how you’re waiting for something for so long that you begin to forget you’re waiting? And then you start to busy yourself with other things, other tasks, to the point where it doesn’t feel like waiting, so much as allowing yourself to believe it just won’t happen? Complacency sets in, and you begin to daydream about it, because that’s all it will ever be. A dream.

Well, yesterday, in what will be marked as one of the greatest days in American history, I got a gift card to Chipotle.

I couldn’t believe it either. I’m house sitting, and when I arrived to the structure for which I was to watch over, I happened upon a kitchen counter with a note and a small stack of plastic cards. And within that stack of cards was the one. i knew then that God was real, and that His plan for my life had been fulfilled.

Okay, maybe not fulfilled, but definitely going into my core memories (Inside Out anybody? Yeah, that middle part with the brightly glowing balls. Except sadness will never touch this memory because it could never be sad).

I’m sure other interesting stuff happened in the land of the free yesterday, but it all pales in comparison to me getting a couple free meals at Chipotle. I’m sure you can all agree with this statement.

G’day.

RIP James Horner 

I was really sad when I heard James Horner had died. His musical gift was truly appreciated. It’s pretty heart breaking to think his musical contributions to the world are over forever. 

As with most deaths, it makes you start thinking about death. How life is fleeting and no matter how grand you live, someday you will cease to exist and your grandness will eventually be forgotten. Time will go on and even those you loved who missed you will die and any real connection you had with the world will die too. If you did manage to leave an impact on the world, be it through music, art, literature, science or something else, your legacy isn’t about you so much as what you gave. The things that made you who you are, your quirks, your jokes, whether you were punctual or perpetually late, all those things are dust. 

None of this makes me think, “I wanna leave a legacy.” My only hope when I die is that I would’ve meant something to at least one person. Lucky for me I have 5 people in my immediate family so I can be assured that I (HOPEFULLY) meant something to those five people.

Now that I’ve depressed you, I had a really, really good mango today. Also it’s so wonderful to be driving again.

G’day.

My Open Letter To Apple

It cost the souls of 12,000 baby Llamas, but for the time being, my vehicle has been restored to working order. I say “for the time being” because I know for a fact there is another repair just waiting for me to have zero dollars so it can reveal itself. But at least for now I don’t have to walk to work and arrive swimming in a pool of my own sweat. And of course, easier access to Chipotle, which is really the only reason one needs a vehicle.

To celebrate this win and my return to feeling like an adult, I purchased about 8 dollars worth of Izze’s. Because when you hemorrhage money at the mechanic’s the next wise thing to do is open your wallet, shake out the dust bunnies and use those dust bunnies to buy your favorite beverage.

My laptop charger has decided that it has reached the age of retirement, perfect timing really. You know, you know what, I’m just as good a person as Taylor Swift. If she can “stand up to Apple” and get praised for it, then here’s my stance against Apple.

An open letter to Apple,

To the spirit of Steve Jobs (and whoever else it may concern),

Stop this. Stop this now before more lives are ruined. I know you make your chargers cheap so we are forced to purchase them on an almost yearly basis. It probably costs 80 cents to make them, and yet you make us, your loyal customers, pay $80. I once tried to buy a cheaper, off brand MacBook charger and almost got third degree burns when I touched it. It lasted all of a week before I had to cough up the $80 bucks for a new one.

What would Harriet Tubman do? UH? What would she do? She has nothing to do with this, but invoking the spirit of someone who left their mark on history is a pretty good way to prove that you know what you’re talking about even if that person isn’t related to the topic at hand. Anyway.

Tim, listen. I understand that your business model works. But there has to be a better way. Your computers are reliable, wonderful machines. But your accessories are literal piles of garbage and I don’t understand why you are punishing us.

I don’t have any music to withhold from you to compel you to change your ways. I don’t have anything of value, actually. All I have is the poor mans plea. We don’t ask for free iPhones. Just better things to charge them with.

Sincerely,

Not Taylor Swift

Mechanics And Terror Defined

Act: take action; do something.

Of: expressing the relationship between a part and a whole.

Terror: extreme fear.

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Accident: an unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally, typically resulting in damage or injury.

I know that running for President is basically a full-time job, so I thought I’d provide Rick Perry with some definitions of some words so he could brush up on his English. Just lookin’ out for a fellow American.

Why are some so hesitant to call what happened in Charleston an act of terrorism? Oh! Is it because that phrase is only specific to certain people, from certain countries with certain religious backgrounds? Someone should make that addendum to the dictionary then. Terror: extreme fear caused by a middle easterner.

It seems an act of terror is when one intentionally causes others to be fearful. Extremely fearful. Murder is an act of terror, burglary is an act of terror. Katy Perry wrote Firework as an act of terror. These are just examples of things that may not outrightly be called “acts of terror” but are definitely under the umbrella of things that cause extreme fear.

That’s all I really wanted to say about that. In other news not related to racial tensions or sadness or politicians who have an agenda and don’t actually care about what they’re talking about… I just might be driving my car again soon. I’m very happy about this, but I’m already worried about how much Chipotle I will again be consuming now that I don’t have to ride my bike 8 miles to get it. Discipline, yeah I know. I’ll try.

There’s something about going to mechanics that make me nervous. It’s the same nervousness I have when I go to the doctor. Every time I take my car to a mechanic I get this look like, “you’re not seriously going to pay me to fix this dead horse, right?” “You know your transmission oil is leaking, right?” “You know people in China can hear your car, right?” Yes, I know. I know all of these things. I also know I am only ten cents above the poverty line and cannot afford to fix all of those things right now, or get a new car. So if you could just put that cocked eyebrow back in its place and fix what I’ve asked you to fix without the lecture, that’d be great.

Anyway, peace to you and yours. I hope you find a way to laugh amidst all the anger we’re living in.

G’day.

Thoughts About Guns And Other Sad Things

With the way people defend their right to bear arms, you’d think someone was trying to take their actual legs from them. I understand why people want to be able to have protection. There are some lunatics out there and sometimes the only way to stop them is a gun. Funny thing is, those same lunatics also have guns and do horrible things, like shoot children, or Christians trying to worship peacefully in their churches, or cops sitting in their cars, or just anybody really. It seems like having guns is really helpful sometimes, but most of the time it ends up being that yet another deranged human being picked up a gun on Amazon or wherever you buy guns on the internet. I don’t recall many stories where it worked out well for us to have lots of guns floating around. Maybe it’s just not being reported? Or maybe the bad of having easy access to weaponry has officially outweighed the good?

I’m no guru on the subject. I don’t think I’ve ever actually touched a gun and I’ve only seen one fired once. So maybe my opinion is invalid. But you know what? It’s America and this is a blog and I can say whatever I feel, right? So I’m saying that something’s gotta change. Every time a tragedy like this occurs, we have a “conversation”, we demand reform. I thought for sure after the shooting at Sandy Hook our country would be so outraged there would be swift action. 20 little kids. They hadn’t lived long enough to harm anyone. But what do you know? Here we are again, another massacre at the hands of a young white kid with a lot of hate in his heart and easy access to a murder machine.

We all wish there was something we could do, I know I do. But I can’t. So I’m writing about it on the internet, throwing my voice in with the thousands of others who are just as fed up with seeing people die this way. What now? What are they going to do to fix this? We have to do something. If only it were as easy as “take away the guns.” While some kind of reform on gun regulation would definitely help, it won’t solve the problem. People have been killing people since the beginning of time. I know what the Christian response is, I know what I should say or think. But “it’s sins fault” or “Jesus will fix it when He comes” doesn’t make these things better. It helps I suppose to think that at some point this madness will end, but it is still heart breaking to watch it all happen, knowing there is almost nothing you can do about the darkness in a person’s soul.