Iced Cubes and T’s and Kia the Black Panther

So as you may know, or may not know, I don’t deem myself important enough for you to remember details about my life but anyway as you may or may not have been made aware I now have a cat.

I feel that the companionship of another living thing, outside of having an actual human being, helps one to see what they will be like when they become parents. I think that everyone should get a pet of some kind before becoming parents. When Trump becomes President, he should find a way to make this into a law somehow.

I say that because I believe I have seen the future of me as a mother, and it is a dark and scary thing that I am now convinced I must never attempt.

Don’t get me wrong. I love this cat. Actually, I really do. I just realized that like, ten minutes ago when I was coming home from work. I’ve spent the past six days wondering what ever possessed me to believe I wanted a cat, considering the ramifications of leaving her at someone’s doorstep. My commitment phobia has made itself very present over the last six days. But now, on this seventh day of cat ownership, I’ve suddenly seen the light. I’ve accepted that this cat is now a part of my life and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Granted, I spend about 50% of the time yelling at her to get off of things, to stop lunging at my face, that my fingers are not play things for her amusement. But this cat’s got spunk. She willfully breaks the rules and defies me to do something about it. I like her tenacity. She’s also black, so we have that struggle in common.

Overall, I’d rate cat ownership a solid A-. Might become an A plus when she’s no longer a kitten and calms down a bit. Right now she’s got permanent crazy eyes and leaps at almost everything, visible or invisible.

In other news… Actually I have no other news. Except that I was thinking today about how limited my knowledge of Ice Cube and Ice T is. That Straight Outta Compton movie, which I’m not black enough or cool enough to be even remotely excited about, apparently features young versions of Ice T and Ice Cube? Apparently they were a part of some.. really popular, rap.. group.. or something? I’ve heard of Straight Outta Compton, in that very roundabout, periphrial way. Like how we all know we’re destroying the ozone layer but aren’t exactly sure how. Please forgive my ignorance.

I’ve always known that Ice Cube and Ice T used to be these big deal rappers, but my awareness of them has been strictly of ‘Are We There Yet’ and ‘Law & Order’ fame. I don’t know why I’m sharing this, but I just thought it was interesting how we all can have different understandings and experiences with the same people. Like, was Levar Burton ever just Kunta Kinte to anybody? Or was he both Reading Rainbow guy and Roots guy and Star Trek guy? Bruce Jenner was super athlete to some, Kardashian dad to others, and now he’ll be she, Caitlyn Jenner, to a younger generation.

Okay that’s all. I gotta find this cat’s cocaine supply.


Donald Trump and Cats Without Souls

I think our culture of mockery has ruined all things that should/would otherwise be taken seriously. As someone who enjoys the art of poking fun (mostly at bad movies) I understand how much fun it is, and how funny it can be to see stupidity unfold before us. If Donald Trump were running for class president of a high school, this would all be hilarious Promises of pizza and no more homework, stuff the students can cheer for but know in their sad souls will never come to fruition. That’s all chuckles and giggles, for sure.

But I’m feeling like the race for president has kind of become this big circus act, a revolving door of clowns, and Donald Trump is leading the parade. Instead of the mainstream media ignoring him, like we all should be doing at this point, and giving time to other possibly more viable candidates, we keep gawking and pointing and laughing and yelling at him. We keep standing back in feigned horror as the monkey throws his feces, as if he only just appeared. Donald Trump has been making a fool of himself on TV for years. 


I have news. I’m getting a cat tomorrow. Well, I might. Someone is bringing a few kittens to my apartment for me to pick from. I feel awful just “picking” a cat, like you pick up food at a grocery store. I also feel bad separating the kittens from each other, but I’m not prepared for more than one cat. The only experience I have with a cat was the demon that is my family’s cat, Patches. He is a hardened criminal of an animal with no soul and no concern for human life. Seriously, I just don’t want the cat I get to end up like that because then I’ll have to sleep with my door locked and one eye open, constantly fearing for my life.

I’ll let you know how it turns out.


Sometimes Stereotypes Are True (Sorry Black Neighbors)

I knew it!

A few weeks ago my neighbors moved out and for the longest time the apartment next to me has been empty. This made me sad. Then I suspected that sometime last week, a new person had moved in, but I haven’t seen them or heard much noise coming from next door. I now have confirmation that there is indeed a person in there! They’re listening to Come Over by Aliyah right now, which makes me suspect they are black but it would be wrong of me to make that assumption. Early 2000s R&B is loved by many races.

Oh, someone just came out of the apartment! I looked through my peephole and it was a large black male. Now, he said something to someone inside the apartment, so there is a chance that he isn’t the renter but a friend or boyfriend of the renter. But my initial thought has been validated, someone in that apartment is black. He could have a white/hispanic/asian/indian girlfriend. Nope, just looked out the peephole again, the girl in question is indeed black. My stereotypes have been confirmed in this case. But not always because stereotypes are often untrue guys. 

Anyway, I’m done snooping now. Only because they’re both gone and the music is off.

I’ve been watching Scandal again on Netflix. (Without cable, I don’t even bother trying to keep up with what is actually on TV anymore. Instead I just binge watch through things when I have time.) I gotta say, I find all of the characters incredibly terrible. Except for Huck, he’s awesome. He is the dark heart of this ridiculous show. Shonda has done an interesting thing with Scandal in that she makes really awful people watchable. Everyone acts with every ounce of energy they possess and they’re good. There’s no bad acting, even in they’re overacting. It’s like Shonda said hey you want TV drama, here’s some drama. But Fitz and Olivia’s relationship is a complete nonsensical joke. All they do is yell at each other! And when they’re not doing that, they’re sucking face like the other person has the only oxygen left in the room. And apparently in Shonda TV world, the easiest way to deal with a problem is murder. Nobody’s reputation really gets ruined on this show, they just end up dead. (Except Billy, he actually went to prison which was surprising). Anyway, this show is too much but it’s also watchable. At least to me.

I know it’s dumb to talk about a show that’s been on forever and that everyone knows about and that isn’t even on TV right now, but I needed to write and I’ve forgotten all the interesting things that have happened in the past few days. Also I think all the ginger snaps I ate are affecting (effecting? I still don’t understand the difference) my brain. My parents came to visit me yesterday on their way to their ultimate destination! It was really nice to see them, and odd because I’ve never had the experience of my parents being in my space. It’s always been me in their space, me on their borrowed ground, me tagging along. But my mom cleaned my magic bullet and shamed me for how dirty it was, then opened my fridge and ate my fruit and made a smoothie so really, nothing has changed. I love those crazy kids.

Anyway, time for my last shift before a blessed two days off.


Animals Deserve Our Respect (Stop Rolling Your Eyes)

I’m trying not to think of people who do things I disagree with as monsters. That’s easy to do, and it’s what our society does to anyone who does anything wrong. However that is a very hard thing to do. For example, what kind of person (read: monster) flies to another country just to “hunt” an animal? And pays $50,000 to do so? He could’ve taken that money and probably fed thousand of families in the very country he flew to to hunt, decapitate and skin a lion. I know most people are outraged because this was a famous lion, but it doesn’t matter if this lion was Mufasa or one of the Lion King extras. It’s a living creature, and it didn’t deserve that. No animal does.

YEAH I KNOW. Meat is delicious and hunting for sport is a riotous good time and they’re just animals and we have dominion over them chicken nuggets ha. ha. ha. Look, just like the plan was never for us to die, animals were also never meant to die. Unfortunately they do, that’s just how it goes. But why do people hunt for sport? That seems so cruel and so unfair and so unnecessary. If you’re stranded in the woods and you’ve gotta take down a squirrel or a warthog or something to survive, hey do what you gotta do. We don’t live in a perfect world. Cows and chickens aren’t even seen as actual animals anymore. They’re just our dinner that hasn’t been seasoned yet.

I know people scoff/make fun of people who care about animal rights. And people like to act as if some care more about the rights/lives of animals than they do people. I hear that all the time. “HAHA those crazy animal rights activists they would watch a baby get stomped on but don’t you dare kick a cat.” Because it’s so completely irrational to care about more than one thing.

Maybe I’m a hypocrite. I killed a mouse the other day (not with my bare hands or anything). I could’ve got a humane trap but I wussed out and got the other kind. I feel really bad (judge me if you want but I do!) and I hope (okay I don’t hope) that if another mouse sneaks into my castle I will do the right thing (or what I’ve decided is the right thing).

Anyway, all I’m saying is that the lives of animals matter. They’re not just dumb fleshbags that are taking up our space. God took 5 other days out of His week to create them. And yeah, people are going to keep eating their meat and hooking their fish and there isn’t anything I can do about that. But the least we could do is have a little more respect for these creatures we share this crazy planet with. We’re not their dark overlords. They’re supposed to be our companions.

The end. G’day.

I Expect This Open Letter To Be On Good Morning America Tomorrow

Dear Corporate Monsters of Walmart,

I frequent your stores with startlingly regularity. I don’t want to, but you have everything I need at 2 am. Just today I spent ten minutes deciding whether to buy the last humane mouse trap, or the guilt free ones (the ones where the mouse goes in and you never have to see their dead bodies? Good for people like me who don’t like animal cruelty but are also very afraid to carry a trap with a live mouse in it and set it free in the woods somewhere, where it will no doubt find it’s way back into someone else’s home. But I digress.) Anyway, you are America Walmart. We hate you, but you are America. Why is it that you have 500 cashier lanes but at any given time, there will only be 2 open? And 20 people per line eyeing each other or vocalizing their frustration at the lack of cashiers? Aren’t your CEO bajillionaires? You can’t hire 4 more people per store to keep at least 4 or 5 lanes open? The Walmart in this part of Ohio doesn’t even have self-check out? What are we, barbarians? Being forced to converse with cashiers who have to pretend they care whether we have a good day or not? Let me tell you, the flippancy with which I hear “Have a good day” from Walmart cashiers? They may as well be putting anti-freeze in my dinner while they say it. I have never in all of my 26 years encountered a person happy to be working at Walmart. And I’ve been to a lot of Walmarts. But I have seen your farce commercials with people acting as though working at Walmart has been their life long dream. I’m sure there are people who work these jobs who are able to have a good attitude about it because that’s the kind of people they are, but I really doubt anybody straps on those blue vests and thinks, “This is where I was meant to be.”

Anyway, just, open more lanes. Jeez.


A Person who wishes she had the fortitude to shop elsewhere.


Vacation Prep With Heidi Klum in Whole Foods

In preparation for my upcoming vacation (more later on my childish enthusiasm for paid vacation) I’ve decided to go on a bit of a diet. I know what you’re thinking. “But Janelle, diets are stupid. It’s all about a lifestyle change high raw vegan Whole Foods Peta.” Yeah, well guess what. I feel like going on a diet. OKAY?! I’m not going to look like Heidi Klum (for many reasons but especially because she’s white and 100 feet tall) but I want to feel healthier and less pudgy when I grace the streets of California.

I also know what you’re thinking. “Janelle, you’ve only had a full time job for 5 months. Do you really need a vacation you whiny millennial who doesn’t understand the real world because Twitter smartphones the Facebook.” I understand your loud, passionate protests that a 26 year old who is still a babe to workplace stress would dare to think she deserves to take a paid vacation. Well guess what? I dunno. But ohmigah isn’t it so cool that I’m being paid to take a break from work?! I mean, that is such a foreign concept to me. Not taking a break from work, but being paid to do it. That is so cool. I know I’ll eventually become a jaded 40 year old who talks about how short my vacation felt and gives my boss the finger behind his/her back, but for now, yippee! Paid vacation! I love being an adult! (Don’t quote me on that, I’ll probably change my mind after these next two weeks of overtime.)

Anyway, did I mention I bought a couch? I’ve basically told everyone I ever communicate with and I appreciate all of you who pretended to care. You guys are the best. I got it fairly cheap from Value City Furniture (the back of the store where they keep all the discount, orphaned furniture). The guy who was apparently designated to be my sales person kept walking with me around the store and it made me really uncomfortable. He was really nice, earnest, told me about the best pizza joints in the area (HAHA, good pizza in Ohio, that’s hilarious). But I never know what to do with sales people. Part of me just wants to yell, “Do you work on commission or something?! Please, I need my introvert bubble.” But he was so nice, so instead I did that weird thing I do when I’m uncomfortable where I shift between intense eye contact and staring off at nothing.

Anyway, it was between this (a grey, leather couch) and another leather couch that was very red. I almost went with the red one, being that 2015 has been a year of just do it for me, but I decided while it’s good to step out of your comfort zone, the color red makes me anxious. And I don’t want to be anxious while I sit on the couch binging through Friday Night Lights for the fourth time.

So now I’ve got a couch, a coffee table (which currently doubles as a TV stand and working out nicely thank you very much) a bookcase, dining table and a bed. Now I just need to fill this place with random junk so it can really feel like home.

Sorry this is so long, but one more thing. I’ve been doing this workout challenge and I am sore in every place a muscle exists. I thought I’d built up some leg strength riding my bike so much. Not the case.


‘And Then A Third Guy Walks in and Starts Punching Me in the Grief Bone’

Remember when you were a kid and you made these grand plans for your afternoon with your friend? And then your parents swooped in to remind you that you are not, in fact, the master of your fate or the captain of your soul? Or when you were getting ready to eat something that looked delicious, but upon taste bud to product contact you were tremendously disappointed? Oh! Or when you’re just about the leave your last class before the weekend and your teacher springs a big home work assignment on you?

Bottle up all those feelings of disappointment, add a dash of grief, and that’s how I feel every time “See You Again” comes on the radio. Those simple, yet beautiful first piano notes to open the song, the soothing tone of Charlie Puth’s voice. I am constantly lulled into a false sense of security, like the calm before the storm. Like that last tick before the roller coaster drops off. I know what’s coming. Wiz. If Chad Michael Murray’s dead eyes could talk, they would sound like Wiz Khalifa when he raps in that song. He sounds like someone chloroformed him, dragged him to a recording studio, he came to in front of the mic and his kidnapper just said, “read the words in front of you” but he didn’t have enough time to completely come out of his drug induced haze.

I don’t know the affects smoking ones body weight in weed every three seconds has on a person, but clearly Wiz has tested the limits of the plant. Paul Walker deserves better.

Anyway, on to better news, I have 48 hours of freedom and next week my couch arrives so life is beautiful.